Why He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named sucks terribly at the Art of War

You may already know for a fact that Harry Potter is just useless. For starters, despite having a lightning-shaped face scar that totally allows him to root for a cool nickname, like “Scarface”, he went for “Chosen One”, which makes him sound more like Keanu Reeves minus the kung fu awesomeness, rather than the well-mannered, children-friendly version of notorious mass murderer Tony Montana. Then, he somehow manages to go through several thousand pages without actually doing anything, other than letting Dumbledore mind-rape him with ridiculously intricate riddles. An even then, it’s usually up to that annoying little girl to figure out the solution to almost everything.

At some point, we all wished HER parents were to ones to be atrociously murdered.

However, the ultimate proof of Harry’s pointlessness lies in the fact that, whatever his actions, Voldemort’s plan of world domination was doomed from the start. Taking on the wizard society was only his first step. What he really wanted was to bring muggles into submission, because he’s obviously jealous about us having perfect, gorgeous noses to constantly brag about, while he’s an albino face-challenged freak. Problem is he may not have planned the whole war thing as carefully as he should have.

After all, wizards are clearly the ones hiding from the muggles, not the other way around. One doesn’t hide behind a complex wall of spells and enchantments for absolutely no reason. You might as well have an excellent justification for acting like a fucked up near-autistic war veteran that just decided to live where real world cannot reach him. Now, in the case of shell-shocked Iraq vets it’s usually because of all the killing and murdering and dying they went through before being mercifully torn to shreds by a hand grenade and eventually put on a wheel-chair for the rest of their drug-ridden lives. In the case of wizard society, it probably has something to do with muggles’ notorious ancient hobbies involving the use of medieval amounts of violence on normal, god-fearing people just to prove a retarded point.  Like, you know, witch hunting.

“Take her to the lake! If she drowns, she’s probably just fine. Or not…whatever.”

Of course, these were people that believed that a double-sided battle axe was a classy weapon for educated gentlemen and for whom burning people at the stake was a legit, godly variety of public lighting. You would think we have largely improved our relation to sanity since those days. However, you would be wrong. While modern means of psychological torture are probably more sophisticated than old-timey Spanish Inquisition craziness, it doesn’t mean they won’t put to shame that lame Cruciatus spell, because they totally will. So you better give us your best shot, Dark Lord.

What’s it gonna be? Avada Kedavra killing curse? We have assault rifles that do not require seven years of Hogwarts training in order to be used properly, thank you. Hell, your everyday uzi-wielding ghetto kid raised on video games and hardcore porn is probably more deadly (and insane) than the average death eater.  What about that magical map Harry takes everywhere with him capable of displaying the real time locations of anyone in the vicinity? There is absolutely no way we’d come near that, right?


At this point, before completely blowing up his cover, thus revealing himself to the eyes of millions of technologically advanced magic haters, Voldemort should consider gathering some information about them. You know, just in case that precious knowledge put together by the Ministry’s Muggle Studies Department on coffee machines and electrical plugs doesn’t provide wizards with the proper understanding and capabilities to shot military satellites out of the sky.We’re guessing it won’t.

Though they could always try to point their wands at the sky and yell “Actio satellite!”, and see how that works.

Because nothing says “success” like several million tons of fiery space junk falling down on your exact location.

Seriously considering his options, the Dark Lord thoroughly prepared himself and humbly asked for military advice on muggle warfare and submission tactics…wait, scratch that, he didn’t. Instead he just closed the Muggle Studies Department because fuck muggle studies. Then, he hunted down an executed all the experts on that very field, therefore eliminating the only available source of intelligence on the enemy. It’s as if Reagan had the entire CIA shut down and then had proceeded to the disclosure of the names and locations of all cover agents working for the US at the time. And then, just for the sake of it, he would have ruined Chuck Norris’ propaganda acting career and asked Her Majesty the Queen to give James Bond a desk job. But he didn’t. Instead, he launched the Star Wars Program and wrestled the USSR to death, because despite of being the closest thing mankind had to Voldemort he still was Ronald fucking Regan, not some retarded emo wizard with a Freudian obsession for wands and young boys.

Although he did try to trash gender studies, so we’ll give him that.

The whole thing has probably something to do with Voldemort just not giving a living fuck about strategy or Sun Tzu, on the grounds of Sun Tzu being a Chinese legendarily badass supermuggle, but a muggle nonetheless. Apparently, in Wizarding World “know your enemy” isn’t even a thing. And neither is common sense, which is a real shame.

It may be annoying and a filthy mudblood, but common sense is also kinda hot.

Voldemort calls for a holy war against the muggles basically by yelling “I AM A WIZARD, FEAR ME” and not even making an educated guess on his enemy’s capabilities. In other words, he’s giving the finger to the main rules of warfare and sanity, while risking to trigger a massive witch hunt that could lead to the utter slaughter of his people in some creepy underground scientific facility.

And while we can accept the fact he’s actually supposed to behave like a murderfaced asshole, we can’t help to notice he’s also supposed to be a highly gifted evil mastermind. But turns out he’s just a regular bully that eventually got defeated because seventeen years ago he was too lazy to put his damn wand aside and kill baby Potter the old fashioned way: by grabbing him by his cute, tiny feet and smashing his head against the wall. Why? Because that’s a muggle thing, that’s why.


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